In my opinion classical music is good background music and very soothing. I am trying to relax as I am online and find being on the computer quite stressful.

I wasn't going to come online today, but in the end I decided that I had to because the TV, which has been breaking for some time, won't allow me to turn it on so I wanted some other form of entertainment than reading. I suppose I could have started making Millie's clothes, but I just spent all morning doing chores so I don't have much pizazz left.

Last night was just awful; hence my rant on here. OH and I tried to talk it out on the phone... well he did most of the talking and I just lay there with the phone next to my ear - I didn't have any energy left to hold it. I felt so drained after all of that and although I slept, I kept waking up choking. At 6-ish I woke up completely and couldn't get comfortable. Finally I got up at 8.30 a.m., when Millie (who has the pleasure of sleeping with me on occasion... such as now I am alone) woke up, sat up, stretched, yawned and curled her long tongue then blinked at me! Hehe.

I decided that I am fed up with feeling bloated and fat, I am fed up with feeling lack of control over things in my life... so I decided to devote today to doing a long-needed detox. I haven't detoxed since before my sister's wedding so it is really overdue and it makes me feel so much better. With no one in the house, now is the PERFECT time. So I have been drinking some water/lemon/honey mixture and I ate some roasted vegetables earlier. I have made some roasted vegetable soup for dinner and will carry on drinking plenty of fluids.

Late morning, I took the dogs for a walk... it was very nice weather and tomorrow is going to be raining apparently. They get really hyper if they don't get enough exercise... shame the same can't be said for me. The ground was really muddy and I don't have any wellies; I will have to get a pair of those fancy patterned ones soon. When we got back, I had to bathe Millie as she was so muddy and disgusting. For some reason she has now decided that she has to lie on my lap every time I use the PC, which would be ok if it was not for the fact that then I am rather far away to type and it gives me a backache. I have tried pulling up a chair with a nice bed on it for her, but she starts off on it *grudgingly* and then keeps pawing at me until she finally gets back on my lap and the whole saga begins again.

I have made a small start on my room and I am just finishing a new layout for here. I actually should be getting a new blog as a hostee of Ananyah, which might be up this weekend or the beginning of next week. I am thinking to keep this diary as my personal space and use the other one for articles, commentary etc. I would like to separate the two as I don't always want people reading about my private life... whereas I couldn't care a less who reads my articles and ramblings!

I am still struggling quite badly with my mental health issues and health problems. Every time I think I have made some progress, something happens that seems to indicate that I haven't, however, I think it's just a case of large chunks of progress interspersed with little slip-ups here and there. Thinking about it that way makes me feel somewhat calmer and more optimistic than just imagining that I am making no progress and might as well give in the towel... or whatever that saying is.

I was considering why I have such mood swings. Well I know that they are a part of both P.C.O.S. and M.E., so I guess having both doesn't really help matters. I would say that on the P.C.O.S.-side of things I have definitely gotten worse mood-wise than if I look back a few years ago. I think that as I have struggled more with both health problems, I have found my mental health deteriorating and I notice that the increasingly stessed I get, the more moody and unstable I become. Sometimes, I just feel as if I cannot cope... even with the simplest task, like answering the door or attaching a file to an email. It's as if there's nothing left in me to keep going. I can't seem to remember how to do things, which is not only frustrating, but embarassing. I feel this lack of ability and increasing pain levels. That's when the misery and despair sets in... I switch to moody and irritable... then when that makes things worse... I feel myself become suicidal, desire to self-harm and just wish that I could sink into a large hole in the ground.

The sad part is, that other people think this is the real you, yet anyone else who experiences this will know that, without a doubt, it is not. It feels as if someone else temporarily takes over your "shell". I really hate this part... I just feel as if no one understands except those who experience it and that's not much help.

Then there's the guilt. I mean... not only do you feel like sh!t, but then you know that it affects the people around you. Knowing that then leads to extreme guilt. I just feel like doing whatever they want in order to get them to stop saying what a nasty person I am or how moody I am.