Anyway�

Everyone has different triggers for what makes them happy, sad, angry, depressed and so on. My trigger for becoming moody or grumpy is: other people! I find that I sometimes get into the foulest mood because I am doing things for other people and it causes me to be in pain. Unfortunately it�s not a simple case of just ceasing to do things for other people, after all that is somewhat impossible and goes totally against my nature. The worst part of being in a stinking mood is that I actually know I am in the terrible mood, but I cannot seem to do anything to shake it off. Pain really drives my moods and today was one of those days where the pain has shot through the roof, thus ensuring that I spent my Sunday feeling downright grumpy.

Today�s mood was brought on by OH� who I am creating a webspace for. OH has never had a webspace before so he is totally like a child in a sweet shop and just wants this and that� willy nilly, without any regard for how easy that is to bring about or how it actually looks! Then to top it off, the Internet keeps going down. Argh! Anyway, I just find that people bossing me around or ordering me to do things makes me irritable and grumpy� I think it�s because when people put pressure on me, I get stressed and then my pain levels rocket, which leaves me feeling worse and worse. It�s one of the reasons why I found work so hard to manage. In the end I feel so angry that I just want to punch the wall� or someone! I have never actually punched someone, so I am sure it�s just a mental reflex rather than a physical one!

I am going to watch Lost at 10 p.m. in the vain hope that it might take my mind off everything. This month has been much more stressful than I had been anticipating and what with the lurgey on top, sometimes I have just felt like snapping� actually I have snapped� a lot. I feel ashamed of my snappiness. I wonder if this is entirely normal for someone who has M.E./P.C.O.S.??? I don�t want it to be an excuse thing either, but I just can�t help thinking there is more to it than me just being an extremely moody person. OH and my mother seem to think I am just moody� well my mum would probably say it�s the emotional disturbances of the M.E. � brain defect lol! I don�t really understand it myself so I don�t see how anyone else can be expected to. The worst part is that I feel as if other people� particularly OH, seem to think I am making excuses all the time� like when he says how are you and I say tired� and he says: well you are tired all the time. It�s not like I need reminding of that fact, but when he says that, I wonder if I am supposed to lie and pretend that I am, in fact, not tired, when in reality tired is far from what I am� I am f***ing exhausted! It�s hard to know what is �me� and what is M.E.? I have had this damned disease so long that I cannot really distinguish between what I would be like if I was a healthy person and what I am like just because I am not a healthy person� it�s all a little too confusing for my brainfogged mind.

To add to this, I am feeling distinctly snug in my clothes. I have put on at least 7 pounds, oh the joy! I cannot believe how utterly depressed that has made me feel� there�s a definite relationship between the number on the scales and my mental stability. I started drinking meal replacement drinks again, made with water to keep the calories and fat even lower than stated (because they assume you are making it with milk). I don�t even bother with Slimfast� I just buy the regular Complan or Build Up drinks� they�re cheaper and if you check the side of the packet� they�re the same as Slimfast. Anyway, I really need to do some exercise to shift this excess, but since I caught the lurgey I haven't been able to even consider it... I am hoping that in the next few weeks I can change that.