I am so ashamed over the way I got myself into relationships in the past where guys treated me very badly, where they walked all over me, where they used me and then chucked me to the side... I am ashamed because I blame myself for them doing that and for me repeatedly getting into relationships where that happened... there is no worse feeling than the guilt of knowing that you could have prevented it, but chose not to.

So last summer, I shook myself down and decided to give it one last go, one last stab at finding someone who was the opposite of all the male no-hopers that I have had the misfortune to be involved with in one way or another. I thought I had succeeded in this mission... now I am really not at all sure. I hesitate to write these things as somehow I feel it is terribly bad luck and somehow indicative of some deep inadequacy in me that my attempts at relationships consistently end in tears and ruins.

I think my biggest mistake in this whole shebang has latterly been my reliance on the Internet to meet someone. It's as if I was already setting myself up for some giant fall. In all fairness, my attempts at meeting decent guys off the net were not much better... there's a ton of British losers out there and I always seemed to run into the worst of them. It's not like I had much option after 2003... being 99% housebound limits your ability to meet males other than the delivery guy or the electricity meter reader.

Mistakes -
1. Using the Internet to find someone.
2. Having a whole list of things I needed in the other person - thus limiting myself.
3. Not sticking to my list properly and therefore becoming interested in guys not located in the UK.
4. Telling family members about people I met online who I was interested in... because when it didn't work out I looked and look like a desperate loser!!

Right now I don't know where I am at. I don't know how long I can keep playing this game... part of me just wants to never come online ever again... as if going cold turkey is the only way to rid myself of the net demons. I'm just tired of being the nice accommodating one, the one who thinks of the other person... sends them little parcels, calls them... I am tired and fed up...

and I have to go for my f-ing bridesmaid fitting tomorrow morning. I don't even want to be a bridesmaid, let alone be at a wedding, where everyone is non-single and blaaaaaaaaaaaaah... somehow I won't be the selfish b!tch... I'll manage some fake smiles.