I didn't really write about it at the time as I was feeling rather raw, and also because the PC is in the dining room so basically everyone (including my mum) can see what I am typing. Usually if I want to type something private I wait till late at night. So anyway, I thought I would write a little about what happened and how I feel.

As some of you will have gathered, my relationship with my mother has been going rather downhill. I think there's a multitude of reasons for this, but ultimately it's because we are stuck in the house together 24/7 and also because she is having some problems, which she won't admit and chooses instead to take out her anger, sadness and frustration on me.

I have lived with this for quite some time now. Reading over my old diary (on diaryland) this past weekend, I realised that these problems are not new. In some ways it seems to me as if they have come out of the blue, but when I re-read entries from 2002/2003 I noticed I had actually written about things that were happening, which are no different in 2005.

Part of the problems that my sister has/had with living at home and her relationship with our parents are the same problems I have... except I never realised that until recently. My sister moved out when she was 22, whereas I am 24 and will be 25 this year... I can't work, so I don't have a place to go to each day to get away. I don't have proper financial independence; I rely on my parents for most things... so my sister dealt with living here badly and she was away for 6 days at a time working in foreign countries!!

I feel bound to my parents because they support me, they provide me with a roof over my head, they do love and care about me, but unfortunately the way I feel is being abused... the loyalty and caring that I have for them is something that they are now taking forgranted. The fact that I cannot afford to move out (and don't particularly want to... be alone) and cannot even pay for my day to day living expenses, means that I do an awful lot around the house... my parents have come to expect this of me. I feel like I have to pay my way. Thing is, I never really wanted to be a cleaner or a cook... I wanted a life where I was mentally stimulated, where I felt worthwhile. Now my parents seem to think that the amount I do is normal for girls my age, when I know it is not. I am not saying they are ungrateful, just as I am not ungrateful for the help and support that they have given me, but they do seem to forget that I am 24 and an adult and that I am finding it hard to deal with my 'lot' in life.

So since my mum has been feeling down and frustrated; her life is not and has not gone the way she wanted it to and I guess she feels a little powerless... she hates doing chores and cooking, so she moans and shouts at me when I don't do everything for her. I try so hard to please her, but I don't think I can ever please her enough... I can't change the way things are for her.

Then a couple of weeks ago it all came to a head - for me that is. I told my sister about a lot of stuff and she agreed that we need to talk to mum about the problems we are having. Somehow one day I found myself telling mum that we need to talk... all of us including dad because there are so many unresolved issues etc. She was so angry at me, so shocked... it didn't make things better... I feel like it made them worse. She was staring at me with tears in her eyes as if I had somehow betrayed her.

A few days later my sister came to stay. We went out to town because my sister had her hair trial booked and we needed to buy some things. As we were walking along my mum made a comment about something and I answered back... she just snapped... in the middle of the shopping mall... everyone was staring at us. I walked off... I hadn't done anything wrong. My mum sits on a bench in the mall, crying and accusing me of causing her to 'not know who she is anymore'. Plus a bunch of other stuff. I just wanted to go home. I even considered getting buses home... that would be drastic action as there is no bus straight there at that point in the day. The whole time I am thinking... I haven't done anything wrong and my sister is supposed to be having her hair trial done... it's not meant to be like this. I felt very guilty then... so eventually my sister goes off and I have to spend the entire time she is having her hair done... with my mum!

So that's where I am at. The older generation doesn't seem to understand that for us, the younger generation, it is normal to want to go see a counsellor or a therapist to sort out our problems. It's normal to want to talk about things and make them better... to get rid of tension and forget about the bad things that happened in the past. Instead, my family like so many others, think that the way to deal with stuff is to pile problem, issue or event on top of each other... until there's so many layers... that you feel like you are either going to burst or suffocate.

I told my mother that I don't want to bring potential children into this messy family... I don't want them to see what I see... to grow up with the arguments and the stress... I guess she doesn't understand my desire.

Take care everyone.