I went out today for the first time on this detox. Let me tell you, it was a big mistake!! It was a mistake that I will have to repeat on Wednesday as I need to go to the Jobcentre/DWP to let them check my bank balances etc. I hate going there because it makes me feel like some loser... like some drain on society, like some good-for-nothing bum.. *sigh*. Anyway, back to today... yeah so I got up early and woke my mum with a cup of tea because I wanted to leave early so I could be back in time to use the bathroom - ok think detox and bathroom = GROSS - but by the time my mum was ready it was nearly lunchtime! So I get in the car and have the most terrible stomach cramps the whole way there... when we get there... there's no toilets... so we go in a cafe on the pretence of having lunch so that I can use their facilities... UGH!!!! Then of course we had lunch, which was quite nice except that my stomach felt like someone had been scraping the inside of it.

Right now I am totally fed up with dieting. I feel like I have an eating disorder!! I know that my relationship with food has never been its best since I was like 13... and I got the hormone problem and turned to food for comfort, but right now I just feel like.. on a diet feels not good, off a diet feels not good, on a detox bums me out, off a detox bums me out. Whatever I do, I am not happy. I want to be a skinny cow basically and I never actually wanted that before!! Before I just wanted to be less large or less flabby or less fat. Now I want to see thin-ness... I have this thing in my mind that keeps popping up, like being thin is the best thing to be and that guys want that... but I know that they don't ALL want that... and in reality, I don't even like the way thin women look.. no boobs, no ass, all boney and stick-woman like. I guess that I just equate being successful with being thin.

Then recently I was thinking about my WOE (way of eating) and I realised that you know for me to stay in shape, once I actually get into shape... I will have to keep up this WOE. It means I can never go in a restaurant and eat what I want. It means I always have to think of every bite of food I take, unless it's like a cucumber stick or a piece of lettuce. It means that if I go to someone's house I have to eat in this restricted way, refusing things and leaving things on my plate. No wonder so many women and girls are messed up. It's like my body hates me...

In fact... for a long time, years... I have felt that... my body is my enemy. It's like it has its own personality and just does stuff to spite me and get me back - for what am not sure!! Every time I make some positive steps or move forward, it tries to pull me backwards, so I am constantly going backwards and forwards. After a while this is a little draining and you just feel like you hate your body for what it is doing to you. My diet, my medication... I can control, but my body's response to these things... I cannot control that and it frustrates and hurts me. I feel divorced from it... does my body really reflect who I am?! I seriously hope not.

Then when I look at it, I feel like... if I was looking at this body as not me... I would be repulsed by it. I would say: eww look at that fat girl... blah blah blah... and I would think that she needed to lose weight! I am repulsed by my own body... ok my secret is out. Though readers of my old diary will know this already and I can't remember if I mentioned it here before.

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In other news...

I am thinking to get rid of this design... it's so old and pants... and doesn't reflect how I am feeling these days. When I had my laptop I used to fiddle around and create my own layouts to practice my CSS and HTML. Since I don't have my beloved laptop anymore, I can't do that... do I miss doing that? I am not sure really as I guess I have found other things to replace the time that I used to put into that activity.