I know the reason, or at least I think I do: I never have had that security so I crave it. I want it, yet it's not something you can create. It has to evolve, to grow and be a natural progression. I don't like things that take a long time... I think I have used my quota of patience up already! I wonder if it is worth my patiently waiting or if that is somehow just weak.

Anyway, last night I was contemplating the reason why things happen in my life. The reason why there have been so many problems and why so many bad things have happened to me. I am one of those people who wants to know reasons... a bit like small children who keep asking: why?....

I frequently ask why, but generally no one answers... and I hear the question reverberating in my mind� echoing through my skull. As I said in a previous entry� I rarely ever ask: why am I sick? My other problems bother me more than why I am diseased. I accepted a long time ago that there is no reason or answer to my health problems and that constantly calling into question the reason why I am unwell was totally pointless. As my mum once said (when I asked her the same question): �Why not?�

So as I lay there wondering why on earth nothing runs smoothly for me, I asked my right-hand man the reason why nothing runs smoothly for us. (He has and has had his fair share of life�s sh!tness and if you combine us together you have a lethal cocktail it seems). Anyway, his answer was perfect and for once stopped me in my tracks� to cut it short, he alluded to the fact that maybe the situation we have been facing for the past couple of months makes us appreciate each other much more deeply than we ever would have. For once I was speechless as I contemplated this possibility. The kind of speechlessness I was experiencing is usually an indication that there is some truth to the statement. There is of course the other type of speechlessness which is much more negative, but I won�t even go there right now.

For the most part, I can never understand why things occur in the world or more personally, in my life. I try so hard to find reasons to explain as somehow it makes me feel more secure or helps me to rationalise situations. It is very rare that I get an answer which really hits the nail on the head. It actually shines some positive light on an almost entirely negative situation.

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P... thanks for the tag. I will email you...
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I have this long list of people I am supposed to be emailing because I haven't been coming online much the past couple weeks. In fact people were emailing me asking me if I am ok because they haven't heard from me... which is really sweet of them. I guess they don't know about my diary lol... as most people tend to just come here to read and check if I am ok.

Anyway... I had better go sort some email out... toodleloo