I haven't been feeling too great for the past few weeks... or months even. I guess things just get out of hand and too much for me. January and February are always bleak and difficult months for everyone... myself included. On Sunday I felt the worst I have felt for ages. I went to bed and did my private crying thing... I felt suicidal... don't worry it was hormone-induced suicidal and black feelings, in which case I can usually argue and reason with my stupid head until I fall asleep or they go away. It's hard at times for me to see my worth to the world, to society, to my family... to anyone. I feel much better now, but the suicidal feelings have been replaced with numbness and a hollow feeling inside. I never realised how much I would mentally struggle to cope after I left uni. It's not necessarily even self-esteem issues... it's more a case of realising reality... facing the reality that is this harsh life in this 'modern' world. People think you are being a down or depressive person or that you have esteem issues, but it's not that at all... it's just that: I am an intelligent young woman and I know how the world works and how people think. When you know that, you know how life unfolds... you know the next move... the next step... and for some of us who have disabilities or health conditions... WE KNOW and knowing is enough to reach zero... or the end.

The worst part I find, is that there is no outlet for the feelings that I am trying to deal with. I feel guilty to voice them to my mum as she is the only person who I can talk to. So I end up writing on here... this diary is like my therapist. I come back and read things months later and think: "Gosh did I really feel that?" I know about 2 people who I can talk to about how I feel. One person experiences similar life-problems to me and the other is one of my closest friends so she appreciates, if not understands, how I feel and is non-patronising about it... which is rare!

We did have some snow here on Sunday night, but the sun came out on Monday and melted it. Apart from that, there's nothing particularly interesting to report.

I might post a cake recipe next entry... it's really nice and the main cake part only has 2 tablespoons of butter in it... yay!